As it turns out, I am my own worst enemy.
A new acquaintance of mine wrote that “admitting your insecurities isn’t a weakness, it’s a strength.” And though it makes much sense, it’s sometimes hard to be strong when you know you’re weak.
I’ve been struggling greatly with self-doubt lately, mostly in the business areas of my life. I think I really felt it at the writer’s conference when I was among all of these seriously accomplished writers which I probably should’ve seen as inspiration but instead let it make me feel insecure. I have a degree in journalism but a passion for photography. Though the two definitely go hand-in-hand, I’m terribly worried about becoming a Jane of two trades and master of neither.
I picked up a book many moons ago called The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles. It was in the Self-Help section which I never thought I’d find myself perusing. Never really gave it a chance but definitely felt the need to pick it up recently. It’s nicely set up in that it’s almost like a devotional…most of the suggestions/realizations fit on a page so it doesn’t have to be read chapters at a time for you to get anything out of it. As the one line review that is quoted on the cover suggests, it really is “a vital gem…a kick in the ass.”–Esquire.
Despite my self-deprication and nervousness which left my palms sweaty all day, my class (the one that I co-taught) at the conference went really well. They even applauded us at the end (out of pity, perhaps) but I’m sure the students could tell that I was terribly nervous off the bat. I’ve always thought that I wanted to teach, and still think that I do, but maybe next time to a group of students who are younger than me…I think the bulk of my nervousness was from standing in front of a group that was older which made me feel less authoritative. Also, I’m short. And sometimes that translates into making me feel small in other ways too.
There were a few notes that I jotted down from the keynote speaker, radio essayist, Janis Jaquith, not as writing tips but more of things to help you stay positive and realize that it’s ok if the majority don’t get what is that you’re trying to put out there. She spoke about “brain zaps,” which unofficially refers to what happens when you “get” what someone is trying to say…from the mind of the author to your mind, you get it. It zaps. And you re-read it, underline it, copy it into your Moleskine so that you can refer to it again later. Often times I have been afraid to write because really, who cares what I think. But Janice reassured me by simply saying:
“We write to connect to another mind,” and how as a writer (or really, any kind of artist) you amazingly “have a shot at life after death because your audience may not have been born yet…sometimes you’re just waiting for the right reader to come around at the right moment.”
Ironically I’ve recently been seeing a surge in posts/links/articles about self-doubt, tips to get you going (in photography) and I’m hoping these will help me get over this rut. In all honesty, I miss Brooklyn and the experiences it presented, but I think that had a lot to do with my amazing group of friends. It’s hard living miles away from your loved ones who inspire and push you and I have to admit I haven’t found anyone here that has lived up to the great friends that I have in NYC (my husband doesn’t count–he totally inspires me but I need my girlfriends here to talk about stickers and jelly beans too). As I wrap up this post though, I have received an email out of the blue from one of my bestest friends from the city asking if she could come visit me. I think she knew that I needed her even though we hadn’t really corresponded for a few weeks. I love it when you put something out there and just say it to yourself or say out loud to the world…and then all of the sudden you get a response. That happens to me a lot. And Jeff keeps telling me to say that I wish we had a million dollars. If only it really worked like that…
Roanoke Regional Writer’s Conference III — JANUARY 2010
Congrats again on co-teaching a class/workshop. And i’m sure you did just fine. You are so talented and inspiring. I know every artist has their times when they have their artistic “block” but then they come out of it and do better things. Your work, to me, has always been amazing. I’m sure it’ll continue. Since i’ve moved out here, i haven’t thought that much about my crafts or photography so i too, feel like i’m in a rut. Just take some time to brainstorm and look at some inspiration and then go for it. Let the ideas flow. Then i’m sure you’ll come up with something you can work with. Have you ever thought of teaching an online class about photography or writing? It’s a thought…..
Oh, and yes, there are tons, TONS, of flea markets and thrift shops out here. You’d love it!
Kristin, thanks so much for your kind words and encouragement :) I never thought about teaching an online class on either subject but that might be fun. At the conference, a couple people actually asked me where or how they could learn more about photography in the area and I was thinking that Roanoke totally needs a Photography Workshop to happen here. It sucks because there are absolutely no rental houses let alone specialized camera shops in the area which I think is stupid. I’d love to be able to do something about that but I’m afraid it’s bigger than me.
Sounds like you’re having a lot of fun exploring your new territory…so excited and happy for you!
Jelly Beans & Stickers.
Write about that. Write about the transition from living in NYC to VA. Write about the transition from being single to being married. Write about struggling as an artist. Write about the tension you feel between being a photographer and being a writer. Write about writing. Write about your childhood, the stories that seem so small but offer a glimpse into your own personal development and maturation. Write about Crazy Uncle Gary. Write about photographs from the dashboard. Write about Sheetz. Write about being an Asian American. Write about your parents. (I know, I know.) Write about Pennsylvania. Write pages and pages and write only a sentence. Write about the ways that you see Jeff that no one else can understand. Write about the food in Italy. Write about anything and everything you experience.
You have a voice and you have an audience in us. Master your craft and let us be a part of the process.
i totally feel you lady. i too have been wrestling with a bit of self-doubt lately. i graduated last month and miraculously got a wonderful design job with a really good friend. it took me years to accomplish those things and i am so happy about it. but, i have noticed that i feel so inadequate in my craft. i don’t know why exactly…i receive good feedback and generally feel good about what i do but i think, like you said, i am my own worst enemy.
i think i’d really like to read that book you mentioned. i think a “kick in the ass” is a good thing when it comes to getting over self loathing. let me know if you ever want to do a photography workshop! photography is my first love. in fact i think that is why i struggle with my design work; i feel i might not be in the right place.
p.s. the friend i work with now is jennifer (binger) choate. she said she knew you from liberty and you guys had a class together. we were on facebook the other day (hard at work..haha) and realized we both knew you and really admired your work. small world! :)
Longbrake: I already know that I’ll be referring back to your comment in this post every time I have writer’s block. So thank you :)
Sarah: What a small world after all! I think it’s absolutely amazing that you were able to land a wonderful design job so soon after graduating…and in the field that you were studying, no less! Maybe we should get together sometime and just have fun shooting around town…that might get our spirits up :)
I posted some quotes on photography in regards of making a living off it here that you might find reassuring: http://www.huong-nguyen.com/blog/2008/12/07/wear-good-shoes-advice-to-young-photographers
To give you an excerpt from the book, I just opened up to a page and came to this…
Resistance is Insidious: Resistance will tell you anything to keep you from doing your work. It will perjure, fabricate, falsify; seduce, bully, cajole. Resistance is protean. It will assume any form, if that’s what it takes to deceive you. It will reason with you like a lawyer or jam a nine-millimeter in your face like a stickup man. Resistance has no conscience. It will pledge anything to get a deal, then double-cross you as soon as your back is turned. If you take Resistance at its word, you deserve everything you get. Resistance is always lying and always full of shit.
Longbrake’s posting says it all, beautiful! Once you start reflecting, writing about everything and anything, etc., the flood gates of inspiration will open to a whole new world of opportunity for you as you walk through this journey because you’re passionate about your fields. Keep your chin up, and keep plugging away.
What if you gathered together a small team of professionals, and hosted a monthly or bi-monthly photography workshop in a church basement, fire hall, or at a VFW, etc.?
i would love to do that! i find that scheduling shoots works better for me since my little guys keep me so busy. maybe top it off with big bowls of pho? :)
thats a great excerpt that you posted and i also really enjoyed the quotes. thinking of it that way is actually quite a relief and comforting to know that maybe i’m not so far off track. thanks for the inspiration!
Becky: Talk of a monthly meeting has been in the works so we’re just trying to figure out logistics, etc. Definitely trying to keep plugging away…
Sarah: You had me at “big bowls of pho.” :) We should definitely schedule something together soon!